and so on. and so on.

a picture snaps and a moment is frozen in time. seen but not known. taken for the sake of not forgetting. i've been picture looking lately. and i see the frozen smiles (or frowns). the dimensions that pass between now and that very moment. i imagine myself going back to that time and standing there next to all the frozen faces. feeling the difference. feeling the time.

i never finished my blog for americorps with any grande finale. i never said how hard the goodbyes were, and how it felt to come home after such a trip. i couldn't bring myself to write. so now. here i am. it's six months later, and im asking ready to find me once again. so it only felt right to finish this americorps blog now, even though it says 2010 in the title.

people like to impact each other. what impacts your life? it's always asked. the miles of unknown roads flash. and i think of a car accident among those roads. and the impact it brings to the person inside. then the impact it brings to the person outside, watching. although this impact isnt physical. then i wonder...which is harder? to watch the impact and be impacted. or to be the impact itself. it's jumbling in my head. like a circus clown juggler. dont let the sand sacks fall, it will impact the ground, which in turn will impact the juggler, and impact the audience. it's all an impact. it just keeps moving. like dominoes of impacting. so if someone asks me of a single thing that impacts my life. i dont know where exactly to point my finger. where did the impact begin, really?

i do know however, that americorps was somewhere in that road. somewhere in the miles of impaction. and what was once a narrow road with few paths, has turned into a wide road with many intersections. robert frost claims we should go for the road less traveled by. explore the unknown of our world. so i stand here in the middle of a forest. wondering how many roads mr. frost could find. and. how many pictures he left behind.

winners

giants are winners. as of yesterday...world series winners. it makes me somewhat homesick. raven six are also winners. in many aspects, as far as i'm concerned. but finally, we got a prize for something. we won best group costume in our halloween 10k dressed as the smash brothers. and we all finished running the whole way through. that's much more than a winner to me. our characters included: (i had to look this up) Link (Sterling), Samus (Rachel), Jigglypuff (Clarky), Fox (Nick), Donkey Kong (Steve), Yoshi (Shawn), Peach (MZ), Sheik (Beth), Ike? (Leslie), Sonic (Jon), Diddy Kong (me).

speaking of halloween, i've never had a better creepily delicious meal...or let alone felt that excited about the holiday. it was almost flawless. (minus the fact that curtis wasn't there to celebrate with us.) also...i need to lay off the chocolate. either that, or it needs to stop tempting me. i blame beth. and her generosity.

my love for this team grows each day. i know it's a little cheesy, but i did get the best end of the deal when it comes to my americorps experience. really, it's about perspective. and the way i see it, everyone gets the best end of the deal if they look at it in the right perspective.

two weeks and two days and i'm literally on a plane back to california. what then? my prospects are still hazy, as they usually are. we just finished a conference the weekend before last, it took the last bit of energy out of many, but was well worth it. i finally got to see the makings of this conference i've been vaguely preparing for. and i couldn't be more happy to be there. the youth initiative end went well. open mic night was a success. especially after a delirious nick took the mic just as everyone was getting up to leave, and called out one of the marion institute workers on detox. wolf 5 helped out a lot, and were a nice change of company.

i know that i don't get into the knitty details in most of these blogs, but it's because i just lose them. every moment an important detail of life and where i am is lost in my new thought. so here i am, sitting in the manor of sacred hearts (as rachel, steve, and leslie just killed the battery of our support vehicle while hauling metal around), wondering where i'll be in three weeks. in three months. in three years. i guess i never was much of a planner.

if life weren't so contradictory i'd say i wasn't excited to go home. but i am. i miss those people of mine. but that might mean that i'm excited to leave. im not. funny how things seem to work out that way.

fifteen

minutes. yup, that clock is ticking and lunch is heading it's way out the door. it's been a while, i know. but internet usage is hard to come by these days. or maybe im just distracted by settlers of catan, or something like that.

scorch my face, and i'll take the burn. just don't tell me it's almost over. 5 weeks into round four, i find myself in the mist of a hustling office getting ready for their most important conference of the year: the Connecting for Change: Bioneers by the Bay conference in New Bedford, Massachusetts.

Our team has "come full circle" as some might say, as we arrived into our 4 bedroom 5 star new home in Wareham, Massachusetts. they might be speaking of the weather though, because all i see is full change. that's the only consistency i feel life needs. three of us work with sacred hearts, cleaning labryinths and such things. eight of us work behind the scenes, in a think tank of a non-profit environmental/social justice promoting office. the network of nonprofits. or something like that. in recent news, wolf 5 has joined us for 2 weeks, curtis is gone this round for fire composite, we lost rachel for ten days, but she'll be back soon. we also just lost nick for the weekend. also beth will leave us for a bit soon enough, and so our team for the weekend is somewhat dispersed. for the weekend, that is.

i have five minutes, of the fifteen or so i allowed myself for this update. but now, i must run along and make signs, and fulfill my role as "the sign girl" here at the Marion Institute. jon just got back from dd. and is bragging about $1.05. okok. 3 minutes. tickety tock.

tonight: AHA festival. face-painting. more fun.

until next time, i suppose.
<3

lone nut

lightning shows. distractions. perspectives. smiles. friendships. forever distracted. by life.

if i could float out of my world right now and watch things through birds eye view, perhaps perspectives would change. perhaps i would see a part of the big picture. i could look over the mrs. sippy river. see myself sitting there. atop the cement wall that very faintly says the words:"life sucks." i'm finding myself lost in emotions here. they are stronger, more powerful. nothing really matters as much as this. being here. experiencing this place that was once covered in water.

then there's the work i do. the st. bernard project is a great organization, i know this. but somehow i find myself wanting to be more. wanting to give more. to see more. to know. more. mas.

we had a disaster relief presentation to attend a few weeks ago. in case a disaster happens, i guess we should know what to do as americorps members. because it is hurricane season after all. matter of fact, hurricane katrina's anniversary is just around the corner. august 29. it happens to fall on two teammates' birthdays. both with the same year: sterling and curtis. anyways the only thing i remember from this presentation is the lone nut. dancing like a freak of nature. then having a follower. then more followers. and suddenly millions of people joined the freak of nature dance bandwagon. and the lone nut became a leader. because of one follower.

sometimes, my head just feels that way. like a lone nut.

increasing density

the air is dense enough to taste. rain storms come and go. little vultures (aka mosquitos/noisy tree critters) sting and terrorize. city lights gleam through reckless weekends. houses are being rebuilt. our team house is jampacked. and. cable television?

not only is the air dense, but my mind is also compacted with information, experiences, feelings, and a small sense of awareness. there are always so many layers to unravel where ever i go and whomever i meet. perhaps that's why i haven't written for so long. my increasing desire to acknowledge everything around me and take it in for what it is, and the way this desire somewhat reverses itself as i miss so many things in the process. or maybe thats the excuse i give for my laziness. but what i do somehow catch, i will try to relay back to you, along with me.

sooo. im finally in new orleans. aka. the sauna. since my last blog, however, so much has happened in this ameriworld of mine, im not sure i'll be able able to even summarize. i left you at the irvine nature center with half my team gone, ready to get out and get into new york. now i've been there, back to the point, all the way across the country and back home to modesto, california, back to the point again, and in new orleans for three weeks so far with a team of 12. one of which we traded, temporarily. we lost leslie for a few weeks to a team in pensacola, florida working with the oil spill disaster, and, at the same time, gained a member from raven 1, emily clark.

new york seems like ages ago, but it was a great time. i did survive my veganism for 3 weeks, and am a newly converted vegetarian. we got to take vegan cooking classes, play with goats, pigs, and horses (or i guess it was called health inspections) construct a foundation for a house extension, scoop poop (:, hang out with wonderful staff, live in cabin/trailers with an amazing view of the catskill mountains, hike some trail among these mountains, and... gain back all team members except shawn z who was on a fire composite team (phoenix 2) during the time. it was quite an experience. looking back, i wouldnt take back a day of it.

perry point was what it usually is. solace in disguise. it wears this mask of muggy humidity and sterile living space, but really its unplottable land and susquehanna river near the chesapeake is all i need to find joy in my days. we had a few all corps events of "mandatory fun" like the amerilympics and talent show. it was quite enjoyable, mostly because i really adore every person i meet in the corps.

modesto, california. home? something like that. people are the creators of that. "what?!!? you're vegetarian? it's like changing religions or something..." "i made you shrimp, vegetarians eat that right?" rigght. i've forgotten how much i've missed them all. and they are exactly what makes home home.

now im in new orleans. currently sitting in my cot, right next to sterling who is, along with me, dreading work tomorrow. but also, along with me, complaining for the sake of complaining. we really do love working with st. bernard. and with team meganard. mz is missing this weekend because her family is here. it's been nice though, having the whole team here. if i got one thing out of americorps, it would be that you have the infinite ability to befriend every kind of person. i will be forever grateful for this.

new orleans is...well. it's new orleans. it's evident that there was a hurricane here five years ago. it's also evident that the community has come together in a way i have never seen. the attempts to repair this city is painted with the music, the volunteers, the festivals, and mostly, the people. i see shadows and darkness here, but i also see so much color. granted, being here in mid-july/august isn't really the most joyous of times to be in the south, but it has been and currently is opening my eyes to what i didn't know. we saw a movie last week called "when the levees broke," actually we saw part 1 and were interrupted a few times by the people that are living on the other end of our house, (bob, gary, and george)and it described some details about how new orleans was and how it became after the hurricane. the most alarming part to me was seeing the city completely deserted and knowing there were still so many people that were there during the disaster.

anyways, i know there's still so much more to reflect on here, but im currently distracted. plus, this blog is getting too long for my patience.

until next time. which is soon, hopefully. <3

skewed vision

a turtle is naked without its shell. a veil lifted, a mystery revealed. there are so many veils to lift, so many truths to unfold. sometimes i still wish i had that shell, other times, the bareness is what i need to keep moving.

our last day in the nature center. and everyone is sound asleep. no more tents, or thunderstorms pounding on tents, or birds waking us up at 5:30 am, or planting trees in 93 degrees. none of that. just a night in the nature center, a half day of work, and a trip back to the point. and then neeeeew york. our traveling continues, and i continue to peer through that tainted glass, making sense of my skewed vision.

today emily and i had our second CAP event of our round 2 spike. if i haven't explained earlier, all our team members have a specialty role or two that they do outside of the work day to help the team and Americorps progress. The CAP representatives are the people who reach out to the surrounding community to let them know what Americorps is all about. today's event was at an entrepreneur school for poverty-stricken and special-ed students. what we attended was a last-day-of-school cook-out. what we also attended was a lifted veil.

"how many of you have known someone who's in jail?" the lady with the mic asked. it was an interesting question. and more interesting was the murmur i heard to my side, "who wouldn't raise their hand to this question?" well, maybe me. but i know im just a turtle, turtles dont count. these students were part of a school system that supported peer on peer counseling. they had programs like a "step dance instead of violence" class that helped the students stay out of trouble and graduate. they were so full of life and inspiring to me. the way they danced, smiled, and joked. i felt like i was in a world that i have never known. a world full of people with completely different lives then what i've been raised around.

i don't know where this is taking me now, but i know im exactly where i should be. i know that moments like these are timeless. i know that even if we only got nine students to sign that paper of ours to join Americorps, i was going to do something like this. something to make a room full of people who know someone in jail, smile genuinely and dance in bliss. if nothing else, i'd at least like that on my bucket list.

turtle.turtle.

i saw a lot of them today. along with frogs, snakes, and the place that looks like the beginning of the world. and we ran down it like it was the first mark a person had ever made on that land. i know it isn't true, but the euphoria was worth the lies. i wonder how many times that happens in this world.

raven six will be spending the next three weeks at the irvine nature center in owens mills, maryland. (very close to baltimore). as of now, im sitting in a room with a water tank and a turtle, dragons (of course), an overhead projector playing dexter, internet service (!!!), tents in a woodsy clearing outside (our sleeping area), and civilization five minutes away. but who needs cvilization anyway? i do feel like im in a mixture of the natural world and the civilized world right now. the nature center has a sole mission to educate people about the environment. my mission is to educate myself.

we went from a team of 12 to a team of 7 in a couple weeks. paintrain (who joined our team for a week)left us a while ago to join the navy, shawn is on a fire composite team during this spike, nick (who wasn't with us last round because he was on a fire composite team) got called to disaster in mississippi, and sterling and curtis were called to disaster in the flooding of tennessee. their presense is dearly missed.

tomorrow i plant trees. i'm pretty excited. i hope its along an untouched meadow. because then i'll be a fortunate part of history. i cant really think straight anymore. soooo...i'll keep going, keep growing, keep smiling (on the inside). destination is still unknown.